oh fuck.

i had sex.

me.

23 years old, after years and years of saying no and being determined to at least wait for the right person/time/circumstance/whathaveyou, little old dumbass me goes and pops her cherry with a random british guy in cancun. what the fuck. not only that, i somehow neglect to make sure he wears a condom. i can't believe i was so unbelievably stupid.

i'm not sure i regret the sex - it had to happen sometime, after all, and it's kind of a good story - but i absolutely hate myself for having unprotected sex. it's bad enough that i feel like a hypocrite for not practicing what i've been preaching all this time... you know, doing the one thing i said i didn't want to do on my first time... but now i've done one of the things i find to be the most irresponsible and incredibly stupid. the last thing i want to do is have a bastard british baby belonging to some guy whose last name i don't even know.

ech.

i don't even want to type anymore. i thought it would be good to get it all out, but i'm pretty sure it's all been hashed out from here to infinity. i'm just freaking myself out even more and exhausting my overactive imagination (in a bad way) by writing this. nothing's coming out the way i want it to, and i'm not sure my friends understand what i'm trying to say - lord knows they surprised me, seeing as how kb was totally chill and jmix flipped a little - i want to tell everyone what happened, but i don't want anyone to know, i'm totally fine with it one minute and totally bugging the next, i'm not worried and then i'm terrified... i'm a fucking rollercoaster.

most of the time i can't even believe it. i have to keep repeating to myself, i had sex. i'm not a virgin anymore. i. had. sex.


oh, and i'm off to planned parenthood tomorrow for the morning after pill... let's hope to god they're not lying when they say it can be taken up to 120 hours after the unprotected sex.


[please, God, let them be telling the truth]