damn boys

How can you miss someone you don't even know? How can you miss something you never had?

i'm so fucked up inside.

a week ago, i spent a glorious 24 hours with a friend of a friend, a guy 3 years younger than me who i'd never met and never saw coming. i met this guy with absolutely no expectations whatsoever, no preconceived notions, no ideas of what could or should or would happen. i didn't even know i was going to meet him until about 15 minutes before i did; even then, i thought nothing of hanging out with n AND his roommate, instead of just n. i guess i probably thought that any friend of n's must be worth knowing, and that we'd have fun, but that was it. i wasn't looking for any sort of relationship past that day - romantic or otherwise. i thought i'd meet this kid, spend time with him, forget him. that's it. a new single serving friend, to borrow a term from fight club.

so n and i meet up with s, introductions are made. nice looking kid, friendly right of the bat, but it still didn't cross my mind that he might be worth knowing as anything other than n's roommate. sometime during lunch or shortly after, i realized i was having a lot of fun with the two boys, and i was glad n had invited s along. sometime after that, i noticed how cute s is. about the time we hit the m&m store, it occurred to me that s had a great sense of humor and i was seriously digging how goofy he was being. i also was becoming more and more aware of the fact i wanted him to like me. when we got to virgin megastore, i made a note of his movie preferences without even realizing why i was doing it, and somewhere in that store it stopped being each of us hanging out with n and started being s and i hanging out with each other.

... and off we went to sit in line for jersey boys standing room only tickets. for 3 hours. insert dozens of dirty jokes and massive amounts of flirtation, progressively moving farther and farther away from safe and facetious and closer to dangerous-could-this-be-serious territory. s makes a joke and touches my leg. a couple of minutes later, i do the same to him. this happens a few more times, more frequently and with less cause. he puts his arm around me as a joke, leaves it there longer than necessary. i wrap my arms around his waist, stand there as he returns my embrace, feeling totally comfortable and at ease. find more excuses to touch him and be touched. heart pounding, pulse racing, mind going crazy trying to figure out what's happening, but hoping it never stops. completely turned on. we walk arm in arm to a pizza place for dinner, continue our flirtation. go back to the theatre for the show, wait while n uses the bathroom with our arms around each other, like we've been a couple for years. hold hands during the entire show, lightly rubbing each other's knees and wrists and hands and knuckles with our thumbs and fingers. n notices, gives me a questioning look; all i can do is shrug. this is all new to me, too. i wasn't expecting to like this roommate of his, certainly not like this. every nerve in my body is on alert, completely aroused and confused and excited and terrified and exhilarated. arm in arm once again as we leave the theatre, walk to starbucks, walk to mcdonalds, hail a cab to c's apartment. hold hands in the cab. then comes an hour or so of hanging out with c, n, and s, with no real contact whatsoever. s on the chair, me on the floor barely touching his leg. fast forward to bedtime. n announces he'll be sleeping in one bedroom, c will be sleeping in another, and s and i are to share a pull out couch bed in the living room.

things are about to get waaaaaaaaay interesting, i think.

until s collapses on his stomach, face pointing away from me, claiming exhaustion. i lay on my side, staring at him, completely randy for him and wondering what the hell is going on. he adjusts a little, and our feet are touching, intertwining. a couple minutes pass, he adjusts again, and our hands touch. fingers lace. lightly rub against each other. still, he's facing away from me. an eternity goes by before he finally flips over. i don't waste a lot of time... i don't know if i could have lasted much longer without exploding.

i kiss him.

he kisses me back.

we're kissing, making out, hands roaming, tongues touching, i'm on top of him, he's on top of me, and we're a sweaty mess of tangled limbs. he's gentle, respectful, careful - like he doesn't want to push me too far, like he's afraid of crossing a line, like he's young and fresh and unsure and innocent... but not too innocent. he's sweet and wonderful, but he wants me, that much is clear. we make jokes, laugh at times. it's comfortable, it's tentative, it's completely new but somehow natural. we finish... well, he finishes. we collapse on the bed, wrap our arms around each other, whisper who knows what. search for our shirts. take turns using the restroom. come back to bed, entangle ourselves once again. talk some more, decide to keep the whole thing a secret from n. spoon, cuddle, remain intertwined until we wake up and i feel the need to kiss him again. so i do. and it begins all over, the kissing and the touching and the pressing and the grinding and the laughing and the caressing, until we hear a noise and realize n's awake. we stop. we spoon and pretend to sleep while we both try to calm ourselves down. we get up, jump on n's bed, become a friendly trio once again. n shoots both of us questioning looks, to which we shake our heads no, and we go about our business for the day. we walk arm in arm, we put our arms around each other, we embrace like we've been doing it our whole lives. we joke, we laugh, we talk... we act like an us.

and then he leaves.

and i can't stop thinking about this boy who lives hundreds of miles away. so i facebook him when i get home. less than an hour later, he answers me with both a message and a wall post. so i reply. as does he. one week and 25 messages later, i'm going out of my mind trying to get him out of my head and trying to figure out how the hell he feels about me. wondering if it's worth going for. wondering if he feels the same way. wondering if this is something new for him. wondering if i'm on his mind. wondering what he's doing, where he is, who he's with, if he's talked about me.

i'm going crazy over this boy i barely know.

and i don't know what to do about it.

there's more, so much more i could write... about him, about the situation, about how i feel, about how different it felt to be with him... about the other boy i'm wondering about, also hundreds of miles away and unsure of, but in a completely different way... stupid boys.

i want to talk to s, to see him, to spend time with him, to explore this- this thing we started last week. i don't want to believe that all i get with him is 24 hours of almost-coupledom. i want to believe we have a chance. i want to believe something more could, can, come of all this. i want to believe that i'm not crazy for feeling this way.

i want that 24 hours of being a couple to last forever.